Posted: November 6, 2016 in hidden admonishment

I’ve been living in the epicenter of a college town for years now, but I’ve outgrown it.  It’s been a game for awhile; preying on the naivety of kids playing adults and dodging the crackheads who are peppered in with the old rooming houses that used to serve more as off campus dorms.  We used to go out and pick someone to bring home, but it’s not really worth the drama.  They’re not really worth the inconvenience.  It’s not entertaining anymore.

I like my commute to work (a two minute walk) but I don’t love my job.  I didn’t opt into this line of work at 16 because I love it.  I decided based on my aversion to customer service.

I made a very deliberated decision about two years ago to accept a free dog into the house, even though the lease doesn’t allow for such decision making and it made working with my former boss even more frustrating.  Well, after four years here, I won’t be eligible to renew the lease for 2017 because of that decision, and I thought I’d care more…

But fuck it.  I don’t.  I’ll always choose my dog over a slumlord, and college kids just don’t interest me anymore.

I’m ready.

Posted: November 3, 2016 in hidden admonishment

It took me a long time to find you, and it says a lot about me that I still look from time to time.  That being implied rather than said, I’m glad I finally succeeded and that you’re happy.

I feel better knowing.  So, that’s it then.



Posted: October 29, 2016 in hidden admonishment

I have identified and defined many features about myself in the past few years that I had previously, quite deliberately, left nebulous through my formative years:

  1.  I am not an open minded individual.  I may be extremely tolerant of others retaining their own points of view, but I am not generally accepting of those differing vastly from my own.  I filter information through a personal bias and internally judge and dismiss the actions and diatribes of others based on my own thoughts and views.  That being said, I consider myself relatively respectful towards others…or at the very least, when intolerant, I make a genuine attempt to remain passive (apathetic).
  2. I am an atheist.  I have made every good faith attempt possible for me to entertain the validity of a majority of the world’s monotheistic and polytheistic religious structures as well as many theories (not used in the scientific context of the word) pertaining to more generalized omnipotence, and I cannot make the leap.  I have stopped trying, although I do still read into many facets of spirituality that I find myself ignorant of beforehand.  For a long time, I knew that I lacked the capacity to make any sort of personal engagement but still considered my respect for others who can and have found faith as an indication of agnosticism, but it is not.  I am not.  I am an atheist.  I admit that I was wrong when claiming to be agnostic.
  3. I am straight.  Even though I’ve had considerably more sexual encounters with women than with men, and find the female form much more sexually pleasing to look at than the male form, I don’t like women.  At all.  I’m actually extremely predatory towards women, do not retain female friendships, and have only sustained one relationship with a woman a long time ago…which was not overtly sexual, nor well defined as committed.  I only allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable with men, have only been in dedicated relationships with men, and even though I’m easily sexually aroused by women, only psychologically desperately crave cock.  Due to the creeping intensity of violence I display sexually towards women, and a general move towards a more stable relationship structure, my husband and I have agreed to close this chapter.  I am not bisexual, I am not polyamorous, and I have not been coerced in any fashion whatsoever into making this delineation.  I am a very common variety, comfortably reformed, monogamous straight girl with some dangerous anger issues.
  4. I have no desire to procreate.  None.  Cum inside me?  Yes.  Love the sensation.  Brutalize my pussy?  Absolutely.  Couldn’t live happily without some pain.  Bear and raise offspring?  Not on your life.  People always told me I’d change my mind.  People still tell me I’ll change my mind.  No.  I won’t.  I gave myself a very comfortable duration of time to consider it.  If the desire surfaced, and I wasn’t in a suitable relationship, I went as far as to identify someone with an attractive genetic makeup and discussed with him my intentions to use him for the express purpose of creating a baby.  The desire didn’t and hasn’t surfaced, and I’ve passed on a few potentially healthy relationships because of my lack of interest.
  5. I am not my job, and separating myself from my profession gets easier every day.


Posted: October 29, 2016 in hidden admonishment

She’s worth it.


Posted: September 12, 2016 in hidden admonishment

After wasting most of my paid vacation getting an updated diagnosis on my…genetic inferiority, I’ve been referred to a psychiatrist

to help me process the news.

Instead, I got into a really big fight about how I don’t need to be coddled that prompted me to drive 300 miles away to think.


I once had a psychotherapist who told me I was in a toxic relationship that would only get worse, because our intellectual inequality would grow into resentment.

I ended up stiffing him $300 after he signed a piece of paper stating I was mentally fit…even though he was right.

The first time something came up in the hard science that wasn’t normal, I was participating in a case study for treatment resistant mental illness, and I was given some novel diagnoses upon being dropped from the study.  When I turned down the monetary compensation for my participation, the head psychiatrist offered to continue working with me pro bono.

I declined.

Sometimes, I like to bitch about my life…just to bitch.  Just so I don’t have to hold onto it.


Posted: June 26, 2016 in hidden admonishment

I don’t see this time of day much anymore with a traditional 9-5, which is actually a 7-6, but for all intents and purposes is a traditional 9-5.  Living with another being also infuses a little more regularity to my sleeping habits, rough as they still might be.

Tonight, I can’t sleep.

My bath water has gone cold, I need to pee, and my skin has long since puckered with the oversoak, but I refuse to vacate my inferior, old, half sized tub.

Also, my battery life is rapidly dwindling from 7%.

When the sun comes up, I get to pick through the yard for shards of broken glass before they have a chance to catch dog paws, because I lost my fucking temper earlier in what has become a long night.

Maybe someday, I’ll get the majority of my shit together, but right now, I’m just trying not to lose it.

I’m a creature of habit.

I like things to stay the way I’ve had them established for quite some time.

This makes me old and close minded, so I struggle to adapt.

Fine.  I have begrudgingly accepted the automatic double spacing, but I don’t like this.

Fine.  I will work with the new layout.  Blogging is an antiquated medium anyway, especially considering I’m not touting any particular theme or gimmick.

I just like to have this little space set aside to…waste, mostly.  Now, it’s all fucked up, and I…well, I need time to adjust.