Posted: November 11, 2018 in hidden admonishment

I haven’t been here in a very long time, but rather than narrate into a vacuum about it, I’m just going to go right back to using this platform for what I need from it…

I think about you constantly, but I can’t tell you…because you don’t want to hear it.  Even if you do, on some low level, want to hear it as a way to boost your ego; you really don’t want to hear it, because you don’t want me.

At least, these are the parameters set to adhere to, so I’m doing my best…even though it’s more embarrassing and guilt invoking for me than I imagine it would be for you.  In your situation, a rather awkward individual has taken an unwanted interest in you despite your best efforts to remain neutral.  In my situation…you’re my dead husband’s friend to whom I had no intentions of becoming attached.

It’s hard for me to even fucking write that down.  “Whom.”  I fucking hate that word, and it’s not that I intentionally became infatuated with you.  I tried to fight it for a long time.  I even told you,


this is happening,

but I don’t want it to,

and I’m really sorry,

but you’re going to have to help me make it stop,

because I’m just not ready to address any sort of serious feelings for anyone.

And you know what?  That’s a really fucked up thing to ask someone to help with, but you were actually awesome about it and went cold, and told me what I thought I needed to hear…and instead of being a relief like it has been with everybody else I’ve pushed back to a safe distance…

Hearing it from you made me sad.

It made me really fucking sad that I’m still stuck on something I can’t change, but I don’t want to be stuck.  I want to embrace how I feel about you regardless of reciprocation.  I know you understand that I’m stuck and I’m scared.  I tell you all of the time, and I ask you what to do.  What can I do?  How do I move through this?  Am I doing okay?  Am I okay?

It’s buried under rambling, because I don’t know what I’m doing as I do it.  I’m not making the conscious decision, because that rational side of me is so constricted right now that if I don’t let things flow intuitively below the surface…I can’t move at all.  I just have to trust that my subconscious will lead me safely…and I keep coming back to you.




I know it’s not fair.  I didn’t anticipate something like this happening, even though I’ve read about it being relatively common.

You gave me what I said I wanted, and I…don’t want it.

I want you.

And that scares the shit out of me.



Posted: September 2, 2017 in hidden admonishment

When I first moved to Milwaukee, I didn’t get any mail except for one missing children’s flyer each week. I hated living in the dorms and felt so disappointed with college from the onset that I saved them the entire time I went to school. Then I looked up all those fucking kids instead of working on my senior thesis and learned what happened to the recovered ones.

Tim’s the only person…I don’t even know how to put it into words…He made me feel like I had a home.

You ask me almost every week, and I just meet your confusion with my own.

I started writing this before my husband died.  I watched him die.  I feel like I killed him.

It will be two weeks tonight.

I don’t have anything poetic to say.  He used to always ask me how I got to be so tough, but I…don’t think I’m tough enough to keep going without him.

I hate life so much.

I keep seeing him die over and over again.  It comes out of nowhere.  I’ll be fine.  I’ll be numb. I’ll be going about the tasks set in front of me to get through each day, and it comes out of nowhere.

It came out of nowhere.

I’m so fucking stupid.  Fuck.

Paradigm Shift

Posted: December 20, 2016 in hidden admonishment

I don’t feel alone anymore, and as trite as it is, it’s a really big deal to me.

A genuine sense of belonging and acceptance is essentially all I’ve ever wanted emotionally, and I’ve done a lot of fucked up things over the years in search of it. 

A lot of really fucked up things that I’m not going to dwell on.

As a kid, I thought it was a profound personal failing that I couldn’t attain the sense of wellbeing I sought.  I mean, what kind of shitty person doesn’t feel connected with their own family or friends? 

When I got older, it didn’t concern me much where I might stumble across acceptance.  I certainly wasted time doubting myself and attempting to make outward sacrifices in authenticity in order to feel closers to others.  

It only startled me a little that I honestly wanted something so commonly coveted by others.  If so many people wanted it, why couldn’t I find it?  I thought I came close a few times, but I was forcing myself or trying to force others.  

Being alone ultimately felt better.

I became much more concerned with being able to feel completely comfortable as myself than finding outside acceptance.  I spent years emotionally inaccessible, resigned to the idea of being alone as a form of compromise, because I’ve never fully fit in with anybody.  It felt like a complete waste of time to do a social song and dance I don’t value.

I know who I am predominately because I’ve spent years arguing with myself about who I should be.  I don’t have all my shit together, but I’m okay with being alone with my thoughts.  I’m okay.  I’m damaged, but complete, and it was only when I knew that I was okay with myself by myself that I found someone else to be myself around who accepts me.

It’s not perfect, but it really is all I’ve ever wanted.

I think the glib paraphrasing amounts to the horrendous cliche:  You have to love yourself before you can expect anybody else to love you, too.

You also have to field and process a shit load of fucking rejection, mutual or not.


Posted: November 6, 2016 in hidden admonishment

I’ve been living in the epicenter of a college town for years now, but I’ve outgrown it.  It’s been a game for awhile; preying on the naivety of kids playing adults and dodging the crackheads who are peppered in with the old rooming houses that used to serve more as off campus dorms.  We used to go out and pick someone to bring home, but it’s not really worth the drama.  They’re not really worth the inconvenience.  It’s not entertaining anymore.

I like my commute to work (a two minute walk) but I don’t love my job.  I didn’t opt into this line of work at 16 because I love it.  I decided based on my aversion to customer service.

I made a very deliberated decision about two years ago to accept a free dog into the house, even though the lease doesn’t allow for such decision making and it made working with my former boss even more frustrating.  Well, after four years here, I won’t be eligible to renew the lease for 2017 because of that decision, and I thought I’d care more…

But fuck it.  I don’t.  I’ll always choose my dog over a slumlord, and college kids just don’t interest me anymore.

I’m ready.

Posted: November 3, 2016 in hidden admonishment

It took me a long time to find you, and it says a lot about me that I still look from time to time.  That being implied rather than said, I’m glad I finally succeeded and that you’re happy.

I feel better knowing.  So, that’s it then.



Posted: October 29, 2016 in hidden admonishment

I have identified and defined many features about myself in the past few years that I had previously, quite deliberately, left nebulous through my formative years:

  1.  I am not an open minded individual.  I may be extremely tolerant of others retaining their own points of view, but I am not generally accepting of those differing vastly from my own.  I filter information through a personal bias and internally judge and dismiss the actions and diatribes of others based on my own thoughts and views.  That being said, I consider myself relatively respectful towards others…or at the very least, when intolerant, I make a genuine attempt to remain passive (apathetic).
  2. I am an atheist.  I have made every good faith attempt possible for me to entertain the validity of a majority of the world’s monotheistic and polytheistic religious structures as well as many theories (not used in the scientific context of the word) pertaining to more generalized omnipotence, and I cannot make the leap.  I have stopped trying, although I do still read into many facets of spirituality that I find myself ignorant of beforehand.  For a long time, I knew that I lacked the capacity to make any sort of personal engagement but still considered my respect for others who can and have found faith as an indication of agnosticism, but it is not.  I am not.  I am an atheist.  I admit that I was wrong when claiming to be agnostic.
  3. I am straight.  Even though I’ve had considerably more sexual encounters with women than with men, and find the female form much more sexually pleasing to look at than the male form, I don’t like women.  At all.  I’m actually extremely predatory towards women, do not retain female friendships, and have only sustained one relationship with a woman a long time ago…which was not overtly sexual, nor well defined as committed.  I only allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable with men, have only been in dedicated relationships with men, and even though I’m easily sexually aroused by women, only psychologically desperately crave cock.  Due to the creeping intensity of violence I display sexually towards women, and a general move towards a more stable relationship structure, my husband and I have agreed to close this chapter.  I am not bisexual, I am not polyamorous, and I have not been coerced in any fashion whatsoever into making this delineation.  I am a very common variety, comfortably reformed, monogamous straight girl with some dangerous anger issues.
  4. I have no desire to procreate.  None.  Cum inside me?  Yes.  Love the sensation.  Brutalize my pussy?  Absolutely.  Couldn’t live happily without some pain.  Bear and raise offspring?  Not on your life.  People always told me I’d change my mind.  People still tell me I’ll change my mind.  No.  I won’t.  I gave myself a very comfortable duration of time to consider it.  If the desire surfaced, and I wasn’t in a suitable relationship, I went as far as to identify someone with an attractive genetic makeup and discussed with him my intentions to use him for the express purpose of creating a baby.  The desire didn’t and hasn’t surfaced, and I’ve passed on a few potentially healthy relationships because of my lack of interest.
  5. I am not my job, and separating myself from my profession gets easier every day.