the flawed rationale

Posted: September 13, 2012 in transliteration

Why I prefer not to drink or get high, and why it has stemmed down into avoiding fast food and caffeine:

I also strive to live off medications that I should very reasonably be expected to take.
Want to take, sometimes personally find myself wanting to take, in fact.
People make very persuasive arguments at times, but in the end the motivation is just not mine.

It’s not in me.

I don’t have a “good” reason, although I do get sick of being asked.

I prefer to live a heavily divided life, because I don’t like people.
I don’t like them close to me.
People are fine so long as they are not an integral part of my life.
I don’t like them showing much interest
or asking a lot of questions.

I find very little comfort in hazing out my sharper thoughts in an attempt to connect with others.
Sometimes, I feel like I need to for the sake of my health, but I enjoy witnessing the caustic things my mind does.
It’s simply who I am.
I’ve never had much desire to fuck up my brain chemistry.
It has always been rather fucked up without outside assistance; although it’s predominately considered fucked up
by outside standards.

I merely tell people now that I’ve done a great many things they inquire about
and simply didn’t like the experiences.

Why?

I don’t know. I have correlating horror stories for most things I avoid, but those aren’t the reasons I avoid doing a lot of things.
They are memories of events that reaffirm that I don’t like people very much.
My aversion to trusting others can be linked to shit that’s happened…but the things that I do and don’t do…

The desire to get a little buzzed just isn’t there.

I don’t look down on people who have that drive.
What grates on my nerves is the insistence that I should do certain things, because they bring the person who’s recommending them pleasure or comfort or relief.
Why? Why? Why do I have to constantly answer your stupid questions about why I’m not like you?
Why do I have to be like you for you to understand me?
Who the fuck asked you to undertake getting to know me anyway?

I can name the day I made the decision not to let other people persuade me anymore, but even before that day, the drive just wasn’t there.

I avoid the things that I’m inclined to abuse, because I have severe problems with the gentlest rebound.
I don’t like to come down.
Maybe no one does, but I can’t even handle a naturally obtained reasonably good day, because the backlash from it is almost unbearable. Do you have any idea how prone to abuse and psychological addiction I am? Because I do.
Even with fundamental shit like food.
The high is never worth what I go through afterward. It has never been worth it. I know it’s not like this for some people. I don’t care if you get shitfaced every single day if that’s what you want to do. I don’t think less of you for it, but I won’t join you.

I can’t.

Even when you mean well for me; even if you’ve seen me functioning and happy because I’ve been doing something, taking something, drinking something…and you just want me to be happy and approachable like that more often, you don’t see what I go through later.

I don’t want you to know.

I don’t want to go through it.
It’s fucking hard.
It’s really fucking hard, so I omit the false highs to curb the real lows.

Self-medicating is not a viable option for someone like me. I can’t just take the Klonopin when I’m actively anxious. I can’t just take one hit. I can’t just have a few beers. I can’t just eat one order of small fries.

I can’t even maintain a normal, loving, healthy relationship
sexual or non.

Understanding why won’t change it.
The desire to start isn’t really there, but when I let you lead…

All it is, is a basic, pathetic fear of the imminent descent.
Please believe me when I say that my aversion isn’t baseless.

Advertisements

Comments are closed.