Archive for July, 2012

Posted: July 30, 2012 in hidden admonishment

Sway

Texting

Posted: July 18, 2012 in otiose
Tags: ,

It makes me feel like I’m attempting slow motion correspondence with early ESL students.

word of advice

Posted: July 16, 2012 in otiose
Tags: , ,

I call you a year and a half after we last saw each other.
I say, “Hey,” with a pause that you’re too caught off guard to fill, so I fill it.
“Let’s fuck.”

Word of advice: Don’t give me flowers when I show up.

Estrangement

Posted: July 11, 2012 in hidden admonishment
Tags: ,

My family thinks I should be excited
but I’m not.

I watched a box turtle lay eggs in the front yard today.

“P” always offers up the best barrage of alliteration.
“P” and his dyslexic friend, “B.”

Sammy is gone.
Sammy is gone.
Sammy is gone.

Sammy is gone, and I’m freezing cold with goose-flesh
during a record heat wave
heading off a nosebleed in a blind alley at 2am
with work around the corner
climbing up the wall, because I haven’t been able to sleep
since I let you lead.

You remind me of someone who doesn’t exist
never existed
never.

I haven’t been able to sleep since I left.

I haven’t been able to sleep.

I don’t want to see you when I close my eyes
and I don’t want to wake up thinking I have a year’s time
that expired four fucking years ago.
I don’t want to struggle for ten minutes closing that gap
that gap
that gaping void in the reciprocity laws
vacant of an honor code
and full of self-recrimination.

I don’t want to think about it anymore.

What sort of dubious logic am I drawing on now that tells me I’m strong enough to make any more mistakes?
Isn’t it just an attempt to backtrack; looking for something
someone
that I was already told doesn’t, hasn’t, and never will

exist.

Pine needles prick the back of my throat and blanket the ground.
Christian time is linear, but Ancient Greek history is cyclical.

Sammy is gone.

No one should ever stay here with me, and I never leave.
Once again, it’s all on me.

I don’t remember which side of the sidewalk I walked on anymore, but I remember switching sides.
There were dead sparrows everywhere.
I lived in my imagination from the beginning onward.

You’re still alive
in my head.
Sometimes, you even acknowledge my desire to be acknowledged by you
in my own goddamned head.

You’re indifferent to me and forbidden to live in my own goddamned head.
What’s it going to take?
What’s it going to take to forget?

No one cares that I still love you.
It isn’t you, but I sure as fuck can’t stand the shit in my head

so lead the way.

Lead the way out
or in
or through
or down.

Lead the way.
You remind me of someone I don’t really want to forget,
but you promise a way to forget.

Go ahead and show me that there’s nothing to remember, but don’t do this halfassed shit that leaves me sleepless without Sammy pinned into a trip I don’t want to take to deal with shit that’s never going to knit together properly.

Lose the girlfriend, and we’ll talk.

one month

Posted: July 7, 2012 in hidden admonishment

Sammy’s cage is in pieces waiting for me to wash them and load them into my car.
She is in her travel cage eating seeds that I gave her out of guilt.

I’m definitely regretting this.
Dragging my feet.

Tomorrow, when I come home from work…I will no longer have a Sammy bird.

I might cry.

In 14 days, I’m getting on a plane that’s going to take me into the thick of shit
I don’t want to deal with.
During the four days upon landing, I’ll have to decide
where the next plane will land.
And before I go
my goal is to sit quietly in the center of emptiness
entrusting my debt to a PO box
and my keys to a drug addict.

Love

Posted: July 7, 2012 in transliteration

My first stint of homelessness was brief and due almost entirely to wounded pride.
I had friends who would have helped, and I had family who, had they known, would have forcefully remedied the situation.

Since then, I have deliberately isolated myself further, but…
I still have a few friends who would do anything to help, and though I’ve put an inconvenient distance
between myself and my family, I bet they’d close that gap in a heartbeat if they knew

that I’m really not okay.

I haven’t been okay for a long time, and I thought I could distract myself and fight through it.
That seems to be how most people cope.
It isn’t so much about the motions of life.
I can find an income and a safe harbor. I can do the necessary things to make sure my basic needs are met.
I do them without too much resentment.

Sometimes I don’t care for the situation.
Sometimes I’m able to change these superficial aspects of my life a little.

My second stint of homelessness was shorter than the first
and it was due almost entirely to restlessness.
I settled out of it and returned to my original plans
because I wanted to
but as far as life events providing the impetus to re-root

It was only a phone call from a stranger
who received my number from a former employer
asking me if I was interested in loving their Timneh African Grey parrot

and I found myself interested.

I’m going to miss her a lot, as I tie up loose ends before entering in
to my third round.

Don’t worry.
I’ve found her a much better home than I’ve ever provided for her.

Moving

Posted: July 5, 2012 in otiose

I’m not used to being skinny and weak
so I still think I can do things
I evidently can’t do anymore.