10 seconds of a long aside

(heavily self-censored)

She lives off illusions of self-entitlement. She thinks the shit she does will last. It’s fucking awful, derivative…shit.

Yeah. Sex sells. You’re cute. None of this is new, news, or even particularly interesting.

She bitches about deserving to get paid for her writing and no longer writes much, because she thinks every masturbatory sentence she comes up with is paydirt. That’s not what good writing is about…ever…even journalistic writing. NEVER. Sharing information is not about money. Sharing ideas is not about money. Having any semblance of talent, innovation, logic or a fucking brain at all is not reflected by how many people are willing to throw money in your hat.

wake up

I woke up amidst a clusterfuck of people all engaged in light, happy conversation about
Leon: The Professional
which was playing on the TV.
I confused the time and place for a second thinking myself back in the Freshman dorms, but I quickly checked myself.
That wasn’t right.
Who were all of these people swimming in the blue flicker of electricity, and why were they in the room with me?

I recognized the room; a familiar bedroom, although not mine. This many people should never naturally find themselves sandwiched into such a space.
I curled over to my side, bumping into someone and clamoring over them as I went like a drowning rat in a state of emergency.
Emergency: vomit splashed into the bowl. I flushed, proceeded to clean up any imagined residual mess rinsed my hands
mouth
face
and stood staring in the mirror under the unforgivingly bright bathroom light.

You interrupted me then. I thought, I might have a profound thought, but it quickly passed when you barged right in; you the same creature I’d just scampered over in my desperate escape from waking.

Were you really clothed, and was I actually all but naked? Like it mattered? It didn’t.

“Hello,” I offered with a tight smile that fell off and refracted off your own toothy grin. Did my eye just twitch? Let me just excuse myself then, so I did, slipping away as you took a piss.

Downstairs
clothed
with shoes
I stopped short to find a scene I wasn’t expecting and couldn’t accept.

Keep in mind that this is after the awakening I’d just met.
I understood then why I woke up where I did…although I’m still not sure about all those people.
I’d been waiting for you.
Waiting
and waiting
and
waiting.

Here you were
downstairs…

and I didn’t want to understand.

I sat down to check my email.
I went back upstairs.
I came back down.

Will I ever forgive myself?
You deserve to be happy, and I’ll find a different way home.