Depression

Posted: November 17, 2014 in hidden admonishment

Depression does a lot of damage.

I haven’t come here.  I haven’t felt a need to rely on a publicized internal dialog for a few years.  Well, I either haven’t felt the need or haven’t had the energy to acknowledge the need.  I’ve made a lot of changes but not nearly enough to make much difference.  They are all surface changes.

I’m not where I think I should be, and I want to blame my unstable mental state; but I’ve made the decision repeatedly not to treat it.  I don’t treat it.  I don’t do anything, so using it as a crutch shouldn’t be considered as a viable option either.  Having somebody close enough to see it and bring it to my attention makes me angry, and using that person as a distraction rather than really accepting him into my life is…the best I’ve been able to do.

Sometimes, my mind clears, but I would rather keep it dormant in the mud.  I’ve lost so much of myself.  I’ve shut it all down just to be able to get through the daily grind, and barely get through at that.

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