Archive for January, 2019

Tom

Posted: January 12, 2019 in hidden admonishment

Last night, I was hanging out with a guy on methadone and seroquil. He’s been in recovery since late summer.

He told me to check myself into Wakebrook…and I was sort of offended. I realized later, it’s because I think I’m better than him.

That’s pretty shitty.

Coming back into town this afternoon, there was a man standing on the corner of New Hope and New Bern. Usually, I don’t notice, but I liked this guy’s angle and crossed traffic to make contact.

His sign basically said…”I know I’m a piece of shit, but I want to be alive.” Paraphrasing. I could relate.

I gave him money. Money I “earned” avoiding balancing my boss’s business account all week, and then, because I was thrilled he didn’t bring up God, I asked him if he wanted to get something to eat and come home with me.

Not charity. It was more of a self-destructive mirror…and a desire to continue avoiding balancing that account.

He declined.

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Questions

Posted: January 12, 2019 in hidden admonishment

Am I ever going to feel okay?

Am I doing okay?

Am I okay?

What do I need to do for myself to feel okay?

What do I think needs to happen to feel okay?

Can I keep ignoring these feelings?

How long can I push them out of the way?

What do I want to happen?

Will I be okay with the things I can’t control?

Do I need control?