Archive for January, 2012

Fine.

Posted: January 31, 2012 in otiose

I’ve decided to accept the invitation to live with a middle aged diesel dyke and watch her cats for her while she’s on the road.

Kitchen, no internet.

I’ll take that exchange rate.

Inappropriate font

Posted: January 28, 2012 in otiose

A government link to a government PDF form regarding firearm laws provided this ridiculous font in the footnotes.




I disagree with this choice.

Posted: January 28, 2012 in otiose

Maybe it’s because it’s 20 degrees colder
or that the moon is waxing.
Maybe it’s because of six fish with yellow tails
long breaks
and refraining from physically attacking
a cloud of condescension.

Maybe it’s just because I’ve fucked up my whole life
have been living on sugar vapors and delusions

and just can’t fucking handle it anymore.

fuck

Posted: January 27, 2012 in proselytizaytion

I don’t know where you are anymore
but for a few minutes tonight
we sat on a bench together
on the edge of a damned up crick
deep in suburbia.

We talked about why I invited you there
and while I was staring at the Cheshire Cat moon
you disappeared.

I took our dog for a long walk afterward.
He has also been damned to live a displaced existence.
He watched me color for two and a half hours.

Life is kicking my ass.

two years out

Posted: January 24, 2012 in hidden admonishment

a ten minute exchange
self-imposed ten minute exchange…

I didn’t even read your letter.
I didn’t even open it.

I don’t want you to give me recommendations.
I don’t want you to like me.

Why did you leave?

I remember the first time, I didn’t think the feeling would ever go away. I don’t know if it did, or if I’ve just been shifting the weight

and letting it snowball

this entire time.

Why did my sister come here? She asked about you.
She doesn’t know I’m an addict.
She doesn’t know anything about me.

She left me a drawer of prescriptions someone like me can’t get
for some legitimate reasons
that I’ve been fighting with since she left.

She just wanted to help me.

I didn’t have a reason on the only occasion that I made a serious attempt.
No reason.
Not even in retrospect.

No forethought before and no reason afterward.

How do you fight something like that?
Something completely illogical that’s rationalized to death in medical texts.
It’s not…rational.

I’m not having a bad night.

You don’t care how I’m doing.
You ask, but you don’t want a straight answer.
I hate you.
I hate that this is now people relate to one another.
I hate it.
I hate this.
Don’t ask me anymore.
Just don’t ask.

I’m not okay, and I don’t want to fuck you tonight.

I made a mistake.
That means I regret something.
I can’t shut out the world.
I can’t even use the world to shut myself up.

Shut up.


It took four months last time.
It’s been nine.

You keep asking me how many days are in the month.
“What’s the trick to that?”
Memorizing December/January and July/August.
You should have paid attention in grade school.

It’s a leap year.

I’m sorry.

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Posted: January 20, 2012 in hidden admonishment

I miss the comfort that I got from knowing that you cared enough to listen.
It was as close as I’ve ever come to feeling connected and accepted in the world around me, which is something that I’m always missing.
I know that you didn’t take that small comfort away from me but that I more or less imploded.

Trying to tell myself that I don’t miss you is probably inaccurate, and selfish.
I think I regret failing to ever get to know you.