Archive for February, 2012

life

Posted: February 28, 2012 in otiose

I paid off a credit card today.

If I weren’t in so much debt, I’d let myself feel accomplished, but there’s still one more card, four student loans, a car, rent…

I’m never going to be worth anything.

Still feel like death?

I bought whey protein today…in a big jug. It tells me not to use it for weight reduction.
I was really hoping it would help keep me alive in conjunction with my emergen-c.

Vitamin C in tap water with some chewing gum and jelly beans…I think I’ve been downright delirious.

It tastes awful, and I felt like an asshole buying it.

Life is so overrated.

Posted: February 27, 2012 in otiose

I met you in Jacksonville
Florida
not Arkansas.
You wanted to tell me that you’re happy now
with a steady girl
and
a band

which is preposterous, or so I thought it was.
Maybe it’s not.
Now it’s stuck in my head.

I know that you’re capable of being happy
whereas I’m not.

I also thought about Synecdoche, NY
which is something I haven’t thought about in a long time
namely because it’s unpleasant to think about.

Anyway, I can’t compete with Jacksonville
North Carolina
not Florida.

I’m a dull individual.
Hopeless.

boxes

Posted: February 27, 2012 in transliteration

I’ve been slightly negligent regarding my mental health.
There are all sorts of quasi-legitimate excuses I could make for myself,
but
for the most part, I just don’t care that much about my own well being.

It’s something that I struggle with constantly, and I openly resent how much energy it takes
to try to give a shit about myself with any semblance of regularity.

This is why I get into situations where I’m completely willing to leave my job in a fit of rage
with no solid justification
much less backup employment.
I also move frequently, and just as frequently, at the drop of a hat.

I’m currently in the midst of such a move, and almost all of my belongings are once again
packed away in boxes.

When pushing these relatively superficial
yet overbearingly time consuming necessities of life aside
that insure that the minimum scaffolding required is set in place
so that I can meet basic needs…

I actually allow myself a few minutes here and there to enjoy existence.

So, in addition to packing,
searching for a new day job,
truncating the night job,
and making sure that my bird, fish and plants have what they need in order to at least appear happy,
I have been combating the worst bout of insomnia I’ve run up against in years of chronic sleeplessness.

But, I’ve managed to whittle out a little place in my mind where I feel okay by flat out ignoring…myself.

Now.

If I could just get some sleep.

Posted: February 25, 2012 in hidden admonishment

http://www.disappearingspoons.com/

fuck your drama

Posted: February 23, 2012 in otiose
Tags:

It’s not about the current class war;
vilifying the rich
or persecuting the poor.

It’s about accountability and basic economics.

Posted: February 21, 2012 in hidden admonishment

I see you sometimes
while wide awake
sober
up close
clear as day.

I have to hide this from everyone, because I know that it’s not you, it’s not normal, and it’s not okay.
I know what it means.

I have to find the strength to push this away, because it’s not real.

Please, let me sleep.
Please go away.

I thought I’d unified in this decision to self-destruct.
I love you, but you can’t stay.

I know that I lost this a long time ago.
It’s gone.
Let it go.

Leave me alone.

reality

Posted: February 19, 2012 in hidden admonishment

The real reasons I came here consist of two.
Two real reasons.

1. I was extremely unhappy, and I knew that I was too close to someone that didn’t want me around.
2. My happiest childhood memories are here, and I hang onto so few that it just felt right.

Every other motivation is only a half truth.