Archive for November, 2018

This time, it’s “compatible”.

You know, sometimes, I think I catch you trying; and I don’t like it, because I don’t want some version of you that you think I want.  I don’t want that at all.  I don’t want you to be anything specific for me, and I don’t need compatibility beyond what I already know.

You’re already more interesting than any of my dreams could be, just as you are.  Because you’re not me.  How could I not be fascinated by someone I’ll never know completely?  The curiosity in itself is enough, but that you’re not cruel just feeds the desire for the impossible.  No matter how close, or how deep, or how strongly we connect, I’ll never know you entirely the way I know myself.

If you’re not cruel, and you’re not expending your energy on meaningless lies, you don’t have to try.  Show me who you are, and I’ll love you forever just for that alone–for not wasting my time with sleight of hand and empty aspirations.

I know it frustrates you.

That I don’t reward you for paying attention and fabricating something you think I’ll like.  What the fuck do I want, then?  Right?  We blame it all on my fear…and I am afraid.  I’m guilty of it, too.  I want to impress you.  I care what you think.  I have a deep-seated desire to please that goes well below the surface of things to the core of how I derive self-worth.  You better believe I guard that desire from mistreatment, but only after somebody gives reason.  I don’t enjoy exposing myself when I can’t have control…but I’ll never have control, and I can’t connect without sustaining a genuine, open vulnerability among those who don’t hurt me.

You don’t hurt me, but sometimes you do try to do or say something that seems slightly forced or false.  Like it wouldn’t happen if I wasn’t the intended audience.  That.  I don’t like.

When you try, you complicate things that are so simple and organic and beautiful.  And when I try…I crush everything with a profound lack of grace.  But I don’t think that’s incompatibility.  it’s just not the same.  We’re not the same, but I like that.  All I want is…

 

Authenticity.

 

 

Well

Posted: November 11, 2018 in hidden admonishment

I haven’t been here in a very long time, but rather than narrate into a vacuum about it, I’m just going to go right back to using this platform for what I need from it…

I think about you constantly, but I can’t tell you…because you don’t want to hear it.  Even if you do, on some low level, want to hear it as a way to boost your ego; you really don’t want to hear it, because you don’t want me.

At least, these are the parameters set to adhere to, so I’m doing my best…even though it’s more embarrassing and guilt invoking for me than I imagine it would be for you.  In your situation, a rather awkward individual has taken an unwanted interest in you despite your best efforts to remain neutral.  In my situation…you’re my dead husband’s friend to whom I had no intentions of becoming attached.

It’s hard for me to even fucking write that down.  “Whom.”  I fucking hate that word, and it’s not that I intentionally became infatuated with you.  I tried to fight it for a long time.  I even told you,

Hey…

this is happening,

but I don’t want it to,

and I’m really sorry,

but you’re going to have to help me make it stop,

because I’m just not ready to address any sort of serious feelings for anyone.

And you know what?  That’s a really fucked up thing to ask someone to help with, but you were actually awesome about it and went cold, and told me what I thought I needed to hear…and instead of being a relief like it has been with everybody else I’ve pushed back to a safe distance…

Hearing it from you made me sad.

It made me really fucking sad that I’m still stuck on something I can’t change, but I don’t want to be stuck.  I want to embrace how I feel about you regardless of reciprocation.  I know you understand that I’m stuck and I’m scared.  I tell you all of the time, and I ask you what to do.  What can I do?  How do I move through this?  Am I doing okay?  Am I okay?

It’s buried under rambling, because I don’t know what I’m doing as I do it.  I’m not making the conscious decision, because that rational side of me is so constricted right now that if I don’t let things flow intuitively below the surface…I can’t move at all.  I just have to trust that my subconscious will lead me safely…and I keep coming back to you.

You.

Are.

Safe.

I know it’s not fair.  I didn’t anticipate something like this happening, even though I’ve read about it being relatively common.

You gave me what I said I wanted, and I…don’t want it.

I want you.

And that scares the shit out of me.