You made me aware of this nasty tenancy I have to invite people to treat me like shit…especially if someone seems to like me or respect me.
That’s just…ick. No good for anybody.
That’s my reaction. I can’t bear the thought of letting somebody who’s placed their confidence in me down. I devalue them and meet them with instantly distrust for investing anything in me whatsoever.
And then I just distance myself when they actually do treat me shitty because obviously that’s no good either…but I can at least play martyr to hold myself over with that.
I struggle with that more than I struggle with the sensation of a fraction of dependency from me…fucking feeling like I need somebody…that scares me shitless…
Sick fucking pain in the ass, aren’t I? Simple defense mechanism linked to self-esteem, I suppose, huh? Obvious to all but me?
I’m not afraid of loving my dog, and I feel bad when it happens, but I’m always letting her down. So neither of those things are my fucking problem.
No, my problem is even more common to the point if being trite.
My problem is that if I invest and then get let down or fuck up catastrophically and irrevocably…well…it turns out…it fucking hurts.
Big, bad, complicated, special snowflake me is afraid of getting hurt, and that’s it.
I hate this shit. Why do I have to struggle so fucking hard to gain insight on such simple things? It’s infuriating. I’m retarded.
I fucking hate it.
Also, I apologize. I think the rambling…rationalizing what the fuck I’m feeling…yeah, it’s helpful and cathartic in processing this fucking baggage
(Jesus, I’m sorry I’m that fucking girl that dumps on you; because who the fuck wants to burden anybody with their shit or has time to deal with anybody else’s?)
I don’t know. The rambling is also a stress reaction…because it’s comforting…just not to sit alone with all this shit I don’t want to deal with helps a lot. And you didn’t want to play this role. You told me from when I very first started asking you questions that you didn’t want to be a shoulder for me.
And I forced you into it anyway, because I can talk myself out of pretty much anything, but intuitively…I can’t help who I trust…and goddamn it.
That’s just…ick. No good for anybody.
Sigh…
Retarded.
Am I even going in the right fucking direction at this point? Because the shit I’m starting to understand just keeps getting simpler and simpler. It’s beyond humbling.
There. That’s a good unbalanced 2am, don’t fucking share this shit, nobody cares ramble.
I’m going to fucking get this shit under control. It’s just stress. There’s a more productive outlet than bothering you with it. I’m going to find it.