Paradigm Shift

Posted: January 14, 2012 in hidden admonishment

You like me.

That wasn’t supposed to happen.

Everyone at work has noticed
since my sister left.
The latent aggression is closer to the surface
and I’m much further down.
I don’t want to pretend I give a shit about your boyfriend
or even your correction.

Fiance.

I don’t care.
He’s a guy that you live with and fuck exclusively.

I still don’t care.

He’s just as unattractive as you are.
You should thank me for pretending to give a damn.
You’re not important.
You’re not better than your job.
You’re a fucking nobody just like me.

I just refuse to factor love into the equation
and I don’t have the time or energy to pretend otherwise.

You’re not supposed to like me.
You’re not supposed to pay attention to the shit I do.
What’s missing from your shitty, little perfect life
that makes me show up on your radar?

Fine.

You hate them, too.
Maybe you’re not more like them than you are like me
but I’m less like you than you seem to think.

You strive to be happy.

I just try to stay sane without being able to find any fucking rational reason
to stay on this side of the wall.

I don’t have a place here
which is predominately why I read on my breaks.
I don’t have a place at all.

It’s not a woe is me sentiment.
You’re just not supposed to like me.
How am I supposed to respond?

I spent four hours crying last night
over shit I’m not even sure happened
that I don’t even care to amend one way or the other.

If it happened, the conversation happened between assholes
and if it didn’t happen
the conversation still happened between assholes.

They just might not exist.

This time, I’ve been jarred so far from my previous mindset
that everyone I keep at a staggering distance still knows
and gauging from that
I must be worse than when I lost
the only place I ever felt I might be okay

outside of myself

folded up and tucked away in someone else’s empathy.

I hide in the back
and I’m not nice when I’m provoked to respond.
I don’t care what’s happening.

I’m busy drowning.

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