two years out

Posted: January 24, 2012 in hidden admonishment

a ten minute exchange
self-imposed ten minute exchange…

I didn’t even read your letter.
I didn’t even open it.

I don’t want you to give me recommendations.
I don’t want you to like me.

Why did you leave?

I remember the first time, I didn’t think the feeling would ever go away. I don’t know if it did, or if I’ve just been shifting the weight

and letting it snowball

this entire time.

Why did my sister come here? She asked about you.
She doesn’t know I’m an addict.
She doesn’t know anything about me.

She left me a drawer of prescriptions someone like me can’t get
for some legitimate reasons
that I’ve been fighting with since she left.

She just wanted to help me.

I didn’t have a reason on the only occasion that I made a serious attempt.
No reason.
Not even in retrospect.

No forethought before and no reason afterward.

How do you fight something like that?
Something completely illogical that’s rationalized to death in medical texts.
It’s not…rational.

I’m not having a bad night.

You don’t care how I’m doing.
You ask, but you don’t want a straight answer.
I hate you.
I hate that this is now people relate to one another.
I hate it.
I hate this.
Don’t ask me anymore.
Just don’t ask.

I’m not okay, and I don’t want to fuck you tonight.

I made a mistake.
That means I regret something.
I can’t shut out the world.
I can’t even use the world to shut myself up.

Shut up.

It took four months last time.
It’s been nine.

You keep asking me how many days are in the month.
“What’s the trick to that?”
Memorizing December/January and July/August.
You should have paid attention in grade school.

It’s a leap year.

I’m sorry.


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