You are my sister.

Posted: April 23, 2012 in hidden admonishment
Tags: , ,

You’re my sister, and I love you.
I’ve been trying to be your sister for a hell of a lot longer than you’ve been pretending.

We are not the same.
How dare you even make that implication.
You barely know anything about me
except that I’m sick.

I’ve been sick since grade school.
If you were really my sister, you’d know that.
You’d understand that unmedicated me isn’t just a little sad and withdrawn.

You’d fucking know that.
You read resentment for what you have…but it’s not what you have.
It’s not what I lack that you have.

It’s who you are.

I resent you for who you are
who you were and still show me that you are.

I understand that you came here to try to set things right
because you’ve moved on
and forgiven yourself

and that upset me when you asked to come
and while you were here
and I cried in my spare room while you slept
on my best imitation of a bed
that I put together just for you

because I sleep on the floor.

You coming here pretending that we’re okay.
Pretending for the past decade that we’re okay.

We are not the same.
Our DNA is not the same.
Our histories are not the same.
It is not okay for you to claim these things now.
If it makes you feel better, that’s fine, but it’s bullshit.

You are still a snide, smug individual.

I have not forgiven you, because I can’t.
I’m still the one that had to put everything out first.

You talked about people that don’t matter from a mutual background.
I cried because you forced your politics on me.

That’s how your attempt went, and now I’ve given mine.

I had to tell you that I’m sorry first.
I had to tell you that I love you first.
I had to tell you that I’m jealous first.

I had to tell you that I’m afraid
and angry
and feel guilt and remorse
for failing to forgive you and wanting to move on.

I’ve wanted to move on for so long, but I can’t turn my back on the past.
I can’t reject my family, and you are my sister.

You came here, and we went to the zoo.
The gesture wasn’t lost on me, but now I’ve told you everything that I’m ashamed of and would rather not admit
because you wouldn’t.
The closest you came was telling me that it’s normal for siblings to act the way you did.
Viewing me as your own personal play thing…was normal

Normal
and therefore, I’ll presume,
okay.

This is my way of telling you that I want the same thing you do, but can’t do it the same way.

You?

You just moved on without me.
You’ve always been self-centered.
You fucking came here pretending that you are not your past.

You are.
You created that.
That was you.
Fuck you.

I gave you what you wanted
what you’ve been nosing around begging for from me for years.
Only after I turn out an honest, ugly image do you offer what I’ve

more than deserved

from you.

A goddamned, heartfelt apology.
It’s going to take time. We’re not friends, but we’re sisters…and we’re on speaking terms again.

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