If you were Russian

even Turkish

but…you’re not.
It’s too far.
Your country is too closed
and I am the wrong sex
with the wrong vocabulary
and the wrong personality

to successfully use you to get
from point A
through you
to point B.

It’s so tempting, because you’re so much closer. You’re almost close enough. If you were from any stretch of the EU that distance would quickly close; but I know you want to own me, and you’re from that same fucking area where you could very easily

own me.

I can’t risk you getting what you want amidst a whole culture that will crush me if I’m surrounded. Hell, the subculture here is almost enough to suffocate me. It’s a sacrificial price that’s entirely too high.

I think you know that.
I think you’re smart.
I think…you’re barking up the wrong tree, and I don’t fully understand why.

I like this niche
for the most part
when talking is kept to a minimum.

I’ve been dealing with some heavy news that has reaffirmed for me that I’m not inclined towards family. I’m not maternal. I’m not warm and fuzzy. I’m not even particularly feminine.

It’s almost as if you want to break me.

It doesn’t make any sense.
Do you think I’m bluffing?
I honestly don’t understand.

What the fuck am I worth, broken?

You like my crippling honesty and my direct transparency.
You’re amused by my combative aggression and grinding stubbornness.


Attempting to bait me–to bribe me–is unabashedly indicative that you’re smitten with the train wreck that I already am without halfassed patches and fixes, plaster and lipstick.

Well, it’s still flattering, but the stakes are set high if you really want to break me.

If you were Russian…even Turkish
but you’re not, and you’re not, and you’re not.

Just have a good time, and shut the fuck up.

By the way, if you want to know what nondenominational agnosticism is, you’re not going to find a prepackaged, sweet little answer here. I almost appreciate you looking it up somewhere other than wikipedia, but this is not a reputable spot, and I have no intentions of catering to that flawed presumption.

I don’t know the answer. I don’t care that much about the question.
That doesn’t mean I’m wishy washy. It doesn’t mean I hold the door open “just in case.”
It doesn’t mean I’m hypocritical or indecisive or misinformed.
I don’t identify with a group of values set under the heading of “nondenominational agnosticism.”
I’m not apathetic or merely twiddling my thumbs waiting on an air tight convincing argument one way or the other.

I’m sincerely sorry that the tag brings you to my vacuous rambling about poverty and emotional constipation, because that’s clearly not what you’re looking for.

Good luck.


Comments are closed.