Petty Internal Rivalry

Posted: October 17, 2011 in otiose
Tags: ,

I should be sleeping.
I work in a few hours.
Do you know what I’m doing instead?
First, let me tell you how it started.
It started, because I finished reading shit by an author you recommended when I couldn’t stand Thoreau anymore.

This is all your fault.

It progressed when I couldn’t remember how to spell that girl’s last name.
The one you said wrote better than me…over a decade ago?
Typing it into google brought me to a website featuring two amazing people I would love to forget.

Thanks. Thanks for that.

They…paint, if you want to call it that. I don’t. I’ll call it shit. I’m sure it will be very successful.
All shitty things are

very successful.

Somehow, this led me to another successful venture of a former associate’s entrepreneurial business stints.

This reminded me of the wonderful [Censored] I gleaned that information through the old-fashioned efficacy of Small Town, USA.

I know you couldn’t care less about these people. I personally hope for your sake that you don’t even fucking remember them, but I have to stomach the fact that they are my contemporaries. These are the people I am measured against. I am measured against them, and they come out leaps and bounds ahead of me.

They do not suck at life.
They are not horrible, wretched, festering balls of caustic failure such as myself.
Even if they are…even if they’re losers; hopeless, worthless pathetic wastes…they’re still better than me, because they haven’t resigned to it. They don’t know yet or haven’t acknowledged the possibility that it could be true. They’re still thriving, dreaming, ambitious creatures overflowing with vitality.

Fuck. My spirit was crushed when I was a kid, and I stopped fighting before I hit adulthood.
I’ve got nothing.

I can’t tell whether I’m jealous or disgusted. Am I dumbfounded or repulsed? Do I really hate them, or am I just so fucking downtrodden that…resentment isn’t even remotely satisfying anymore.

Clearly they deserve happiness where somehow I do not.

I need to be more drunk.
The revelation of the moment is that I am not drunk enough.
I cannot be drunk enough to make the world spin right!

Drink up.

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