So you want a bit of unpretentious honesty…

Posted: October 10, 2011 in hidden admonishment

I’m tired, but I can’t sleep, and now it’s too late to sedate myself if I expect to function for work in the morning.
I’m hungry, but I have no food.
No food at all beyond sunflower seeds and little packets of emergen-c.

In short, I feel like I’m dying.

I quite simply do not know how to survive in the face of my parents’ arrival tomorrow after work.
I spent the whole day puttering about my rooms.
I cleaned my bathroom, and I watered my plants, and…I moved boxes and piles of shit around
without accomplishing much.
That’s not true.
I accomplished great things.
I can now walk in one door, go through my bathroom, walk through the other room and out the other door.
Previously, I could walk in one door, hop over some things, and squeeze into the bathroom. The other room was completely defunct, and the door was blocked off.

I’m so hungry.

There are stacks of books in the small space here in front of my computer that is my designated sleeping area.
I’m sitting on a stack right now.
My chair is stacked with various, stupid, useless things that were previously buried.
I do not currently need a container full of paper made by mud wasps, or a bag of sesame seeds (which, by the way, are all but inedible by themselves).

I’m tired.

I moved in more today than the five months since I’ve been here.
Has it been five months?
Yes.
Yes, it has.
I hate it here.
I don’t want to see my parents.

They promised to feed me.

Sometimes
a lot of times
I want to be that girl that I hate so much
that happy, vapid, self-righteous girly girl that everyone loves so fucking much
that tweets numerous times that the greatest iced coffee is the iced coffee with ice made out of iced coffee, tee-hee
convinced so completely that she’s not only worthwhile but
smart
and successful
and good.

Delusional?

But I hate her and don’t want to be anything like her at all.

What’s wrong with me?

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