10/15/2009 (censored and edited)

Posted: September 17, 2011 in hidden admonishment

I don’t want to abuse this…that you still have a space for me…
even though I don’t really understand.

“A different you from a different time would have done something different with that guy.”

I averted eye contact.
I really am this transparent now…that I have to hear these things about myself from people I know very little about; from their mouths in return.
It’s true.
It’s an ugly truth, because I remember the thoughts that went through my head:
Thoughts from a different me that’s transitioning out as I cycle in.

True transparency is fraught with negative connotations of weakness and superficiality
but those are assertions made from the false security of somewhere opaque.
I know it’s not easy or safe to live near the surface.
It’s an uncomfortable existence.

It’s where I belong.

I’m quiet as a thin defense from a world that makes me nervous.
Sometimes desperate
and always vulnerable
but I’m stronger than I used to be.

In relation to others, I’m less sure of where I should be
and when I talk about wanting to belong somewhere, there’s a disconnect
between who I know I am and the people I meet.

When I was there, I sensed early that the situation was not right for me
even though I wanted to fit.
My place was not there, although I was invited in
and had I been able to accept my new surroundings without rejecting myself
I would have found that allusive sense of belonging somewhere outside of myself.
I was welcome there, but…not as myself.

I came away shorn close to the skin; naked, but whole and unharmed.

Most shitty people aren’t as clear cut as books and movies make them out to be.
I have a hard time differentiating in the world around me that’s in direct contact.
Everything comes in on the same personal level, and I don’t know what to knock out.
I have a matrix of logic, but…
It takes me a long time to come around to the text book conclusions founded in case studies of common sense.
I try to ignore impulsive first impressions
that grind against me
but those impressions are not intuitive.
They stem from active, applied knowledge gained through past experiences…and “common sense”
which is just practical information taught by good parents offering a good model off of which to make measurements.

The feelings are extremely dangerous
if given free range as fact and falling to prejudice
which is why I sometimes deliberately do things that contradict “intuition”.

They’re equally dangerous to completely disregard, however…as I find time and time again.

Maybe emotion itself is a fact.
The way it colors my world…is not.

It’s naive
and no matter what bitter, cynical knot I twist into my gut
I still want to see the good in everybody
regardless of whether I like them or not.

I get confused when I (successfully) see worth in the shit.

I get confused, and that gets me into trouble.
I’m no longer willing to put that tendency before my own sense of self.
I don’t know if that’s smart or close minded and selfish.
I don’t know if it’s the right direction.
I don’t know, so I still resist putting myself first.
I still put myself into uncomfortable situations.
There are things I like about really unsavory individuals; unsavory by my own measures and biases.

I don’t know why beyond desperation.
I don’t know, but I’ll figure it out eventually if I decide I need to.
I know I was there looking for a friend.
It only bothers me a little…because of how it rapidly unfolded to show me who I was letting into my life.
He was giving me a place to be, but I was offering who I am.
That’s not a balance, and it wasn’t a way out of the situation I’m in.
People say I have trouble reaching out, and I don’t disagree.
I am not a disingenuous human being.
I’m very true to who I am when relating to others…even with the few defenses I have in silence, sarcasm and semantics.
It’s hard for me to trust, and near impossible to relate at all without this honesty.
I didn’t find a friend.
I think friends are hard to find.
He thinks he’s smarter than me; reads people better; that I’m transparent and judgmental…because I told him I didn’t want to hang out with him anymore
after a very short amount of time given to a very old friendship.

The last day I was there
I thought I would have rather been working, so I knew.
I spent a whole fucking day
sitting with a guy I don’t really know that seemed willing to spend time with me
waiting on a drug deal I didn’t want to be a part of.
I’m not part of the world where hallucinogenic sugar cubes are interesting
and I won’t consider putting my breaking mind up to a high I don’t need right now
with people I don’t know.
I didn’t like being in that environment and saying as much and saying I know it’s not what I want or need
rendered me instantly…shallow, up tight, and close minded;
so I left.

I want to be accepted as a presence worth being in other people’s lives, but I don’t have time for this kind of shit anymore.

Some people are just shitty…and they don’t deserve the confidence that comes in the bullshit they tell themselves is true about the world and their perceived significance therein.

Some people are just shitty, and I’m starting to realize they’re not worth my time regardless of my worth to theirs.
That seems to leave me alone…
because only the people I think are shitty seem to think I’m worth their time…so I reach this disconnect again from the other side.
It might not be true, and it might be me closing down, but that’s how it seems

and it’s kind of depressing.
I’m leaving in 198 days on terms I’ve set that I can trust, and as miserable as I am, that’s going to have to be good enough.

(You have no idea how much I miss you or how hard it still is not to let you know.)


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