Declining Invitations

Posted: August 12, 2011 in otiose
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A general update on the girl that took me through the worst neighborhoods during the middle of the night: married.
That’s fine. I will always remember her as irritatingly half crazy…and disappointingly straight.

I am unlikely to ever marry.

I once took a large sheet of masonite onto a public bus after having walked with it for about ten blocks. I thought about walking all the way home with it just to avoid the embarrassment of looking into the driver’s face. It would have taken all day.

You sat next to me; as close as I would allow.
Mike.
19.
Living with a cousin in a poorer section of town.
You were very handsome…and very young…and very determined.
I wouldn’t give you my number, so you asked if you could give me yours.
“You can give it to me, but I won’t call it.”
I hurt your feelings.
I didn’t mean to.
You rebounded quickly, but for a split second…I saw you.
You were one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met, but I never would have called you.

Honest. Honesty. Honestly, you’d think I’d learn to lie about it.

“You can text me, but I won’t receive it.”

I don’t want my pocket to vibrate five hundred times a day.
I have a confession to make.
Most days, my pockets are empty.
These are the choices I make.

Faceless.
Nameless.
Ageless.

Avoidant…and unmedicated for: disordered
mood
personality
thought

Would you still talk to me if you knew, by clinical assertion, that I’m sometimes

not always

psychotic?

Would that make a difference for you
with me
for this exchange that I’m always neurotic, always autistic, always abnormal, always, always, always going to be some kind of sick?

irl is not a proper acronym, and those that use it are not.
lol is unacceptable without lips and sound.
hahaha; emoticon
as I write the puerile shit down.

Do you need my name?
my real name
a nickname
a surname
asphyxiation affixed with a name tag.

No, I receive no texts.
This is a personal choice
for my personal space
made for personal reasons.

I do not make status updates
or restrict my boundless vacuity to
140 characters or less.

“Have I seen you somewhere before?”

And if you had? I don’t know. Were you looking?
Did you find me?

It’s funny
when you ask.

If you want to see me, your best bet will be to look where you last saw me.
I might be there…provided I want to be seen

or maybe I’m looking for you.

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