the ducks

Posted: February 18, 2011 in otiose

Anthropomorphic ducks are almost never cute. A good example of how this goes horribly wrong can be seen with Howard the Duck. For my own peace of mind, I won’t link that, and if you’re unfamiliar, don’t look it up.

My mother bought me a set of salt and pepper shakers that we saw once during Easter at a fabric store. They weren’t anthropomorphic, but certainly characterized. The female had a bow on her head, and the male had a bow tie.

You filled them one day while I was out without asking, and I noticed right away because they were out of place. Now, I’m not compulsive like Kathy Bates in Misery when she notices her figurines are askew…well, I might notice, but I’m not that crazy.

I didn’t hobble you.

Sigh…you filled them, which struck me as close to mortifying. I didn’t intend to ever use them. This was partially because I liked them, but mostly because I wasn’t a salt and pepper lover. I rarely added either to anything I made unless I was fullout cooking, and then I brought all of the spices out that I wanted.

I’ve never been one to prepare something and then add more salt, and pepper doesn’t commonly come in unwieldy jugs. If you’re a pepper fanatic, you get pepper corns and grind them. I am not a pepper fanatic. I’m leery of adding more salt to anything, but you also ate ketchup on your eggs, so we clearly didn’t see eye to eye in the kitchen.

You filled them. Okay. When I asked you why, you said you didn’t like things sitting around being useless. I accepted this. I even understood it, considering that your mother’s house was full of useless brickabrack. Cluttered with it. Plastered and caked with obnoxious little knickknacks. My apartment may have been small, but it wasn’t like that. I had very few trinkets lying about, and so you’d sniffed a couple out. I picked up the boy with his purple bow tie and sighed with the unexpected task of getting used to this new purposeful thing.

“This is salt!” I exclaimed in irritation upon tipping the contents into my palm.
“Yeah…” and what did I expect it to be? “They’re salt and pepper shakers.”
“Yeah…” with a little more edge, but the same tone, “and this is the pepper shaker.” I held it up to your face. In your face. It was the pepper shaker. Didn’t your mother teach you anything?

Apparently, it’s not standardized.


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