Your name is a strange neon purple.

Posted: February 2, 2011 in hidden admonishment
Tags: , ,

It used to be red. I’ve done nothing to change it and don’t know what happened. I’ll assume you’re busy, but I hear you have the day off. It’s 68 degrees here, overcast and windier than usual. That is the weather forecast I received upon waking.

I’ve lost the drive to write recently, similar to the loss I had with painting, drawing, sculpture, printmaking…shall I go on? Yes, I’ve lost the drive to write. I still want to write, but the words don’t come. I titter on about the weather or whine about people I can’t seem to find a way to like. I sit with an open document and nothing comes, an open email window…Nothing but a dull nagging desire to have something come.

I’ll turn away from it soon. I can sense it. What then? I’ve been reading more…listening to more music. I hate the things I read. I’m currently reading Walden. I can’t stand it. I think I hate Thoreau…and Emerson now by proximity. I set it aside and picked up Virginia Woolf. Polar opposites. Same lack of interest. I finally finished Crime and Punishment.

It was a total let down. I should have stopped when I felt annoyed. I used to stop. I read them all to the end now. Why? There’s no point. I do it anyway. I’ll finish Walden in complete disdain for every word.

Is something closing off and shutting down in my mind? I’m going to lose the writing…the way I lost the paint.

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