find a different way

Posted: January 1, 2011 in proselytizaytion

Define me.


Track back on track:

With seven and a half turns into the labyrinth my breath caught and the back of my mind choked. Stop. I hit the water’s edge with row housing and aesthetic curves that served no purpose but to slow lost and drunken souls from backing out. I stared at the numbers sprayed onto the curbs and pulled in between the second 210 and the first 211: Visitor.

Staring at the house in my rear view mirror, I knew she wasn’t there to meet me but I was in the right place. I felt lost anyway. “Is this really where I’ll be staying?” I stared. This was the end of the rat maze and the trap stood patiently awaiting my arrival. All I had to do was walk up the steps and wait.

In the beginning, I woke up to a phone call, and the thick accent of a woman’s voice lured me out of the haze of a rough night’s sleep that had only commenced a few hours earlier. Fuck it. I was ready. A yellow slip of paper was handed to me with a reassuring smile.
“Just go to this address, and they will take care of you. You won’t have to pay a cent.”

I considered myself a visitor and followed the signs into a ramp where I took a ticket and sat. Inside, I wandered the halls, and then I stepped onto an elevator.
“Where are you going?” she asked so that she could press the proper button.
“I don’t know.”
She sent me back out onto the floor and down a long empty corridor winding around locked rooms. I felt my mind sinking away with the wide halls and complete solitude, but I had to keep pushing through because of the little yellow slip of paper I clung in damp hands. I met no one in the long hall that opened out into a brightly lit room with a large reception desk in the center. They watched me walk up. I was the only one around in large empty spaces fit to hold and direct hundreds more.
A volunteer escorted me to a line where I waited to be told I was in the wrong place.
“Are you an employee here, hun?”
“Then why are you bringing me this?”
“I don’t know where I am.”
She directed me to another place. The space was smaller and filled with other things. It was dimmer and busier.
I was in the wrong place again.
This time, the woman behind the desk drew me a map.
I watched and knew that this very helpful woman was not going to be able to help me at all.
She was sending me back to where I just was.
I thanked her genuinely anyway and went back to my car

where I proceeded to cry.

I handed in my ticket for a fee and went to the next building where parking was free. Inside, the security guard directed me around a corner into a small, crowded room where people were waiting. A lot of people. Too many people. I hesitated, and then went in with my yellow slip of paper.

At the window, the woman told me to wait then barked at me to step back. There was a sign telling me to stay behind the line…but there was no line. There was no line. The woman at the window called a name. She called another name. Then she called me sir.


I was at the wrong window.

I waited in line.
“Here’s what I’m going to do for you…” and he leaned in close to give me instructions. He sent me downstairs. The woman downstairs sent me across the hall to wait by a code locked door. Another woman came out and had me follow her around several corners into a room. She asked a lot of questions. She gave me an envelope with more instructions. She sent me back upstairs.

I became one of the people waiting. I waited. Then I drove.

I stared at the door in the rear view mirror and then finally threw the car into park and turned the engine off. Several more minutes passed before I got out.

No one answered. She wasn’t there to meet me yet. I sat and waited. She pulled up apologizing and inviting me in.

Annie called me beautiful today, and I managed to believe it for that moment and say thank you.

Directed toward self.


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