i don’t know anything

Posted: December 30, 2010 in hidden admonishment
Tags: ,

My intellect, they always told me
in hushed up voices and indirect whispers
this gift of aptitude
talent
the allure of an atypical mind…that never struggles and rarely tries.

Appearance.

Guilt.

Crawl inside poking and prodding the lacy edges
punctured and plastered over with names
for
the condemned and diseased.

You’re right; always right.
It’s not so hard to understand the transparency known as me.
You know me.
Keep me in my place, wherever that place may seem to be in an escapist society.

Steady now. Steady.

You wait for a revolt. You would revolt. You know you’re special.
Even if you’re common; so average that it hurts…something makes you special.
The great elaborations of the underdog mentality.
You want me to disagree, but I don’t.
I can’t.

You have something I’m afraid I’ll never find.
A system? A cause?
So many think that I…
Maybe we envy each other unnecessarily.

A conversation unfolded in front of me as I walked among strangers.
A boy made polite conversation, and the girl indulged.

I remember wondering if it was real.
Were they there?
Were they having this conversation?
Was it a standard conversation to be had?
Is this the way that people interact?

It fell away from me.
I interpret the world around me differently.
I don’t mean to.

I wanted you to talk to me.
You spoke so frequently.
It seemed…to everybody.

I fuck up most verbal exchanges.
I fuck them up all the time.
The lighter and more casual, the quicker and more completely fucked.
People seem to think it’s intentional.

I ask myself again and again
but there’s no answer.

There’s nothing to revolt against. The connection is intermittent
garbled
distant
and predominately…dead.

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