the last files

Posted: November 30, 2010 in hidden admonishment

I was with you when I started to admit to myself for the very first time…that…I want to live.

It’s the most selfish thing I’ve ever experienced, and it’s been the hardest most rewarding struggle.

That’s not what I wanted before; not in the same sense. I met a different kind of living while pulling the strings to unravel. I wanted to live only in the sense that I wanted to stop waiting for life to happen. Stop. And I threw all regard for myself to the wind. I was searching for someone else to find a use for me, and that person could have been anyone and could have done anything. I would have not only let anyone in, but given everything I had.

I did.

I turned my back on everything I was or had. I was blind to everything I’d been taught to value. Anyone could have done anything to reshape me into whatever was wanted, and I would have cherished fulfilling the prescribed role. Just tell me who to be, how to be, what to say, how to do it. How do you want me to do it? I remember telling him that I couldn’t be what he wanted. I didn’t have…I didn’t know…

Break me. Rape me. Hit me. Fuck me harder. Fuck me harder!

Don’t kiss me. Don’t tell me you love me.

I miss you.
I’m not allowed in your life, and I apologize for this intrusion, but you helped me find a more beautiful way to try to live mine.
I wish I didn’t have to do it without you…

not because I can’t

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