I’m just going to set this here.

Posted: November 30, 2010 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

I’ve already told you.

He is essentially the only reason I haven’t done more than just tell you. Yes, the situation is that fucked up. He really is the main reason I haven’t left you, and my attachment to him is one of the main reasons I feel like I should.

It’s not about being happier with him. Whether that’s feasible or not is inapplicable. It has been from the beginning. I will not pursue a romantic future with him like this. I can’t do something like that to him…or to you…or to myself. I can’t act and it’s already bad enough that I’ve broken down to talking. I thought I had to do something. I felt myself tipping into psychosis. I needed help. You couldn’t help me. I asked him. “Why him?” is a very difficult question to address, and I’m sure by now he’d much rather it hadn’t been him. Where I am right now is something that I would understand and forgive of you if we were in each other’s shoes. If I do anything else, I can’t say that honestly anymore. I can’t fathom leaving you three months from your release, because you need me and I want to be here for you. It’s not a “favor”. Please don’t dismiss it as a “favor”. It’s not pity. It’s me caring, wanting, needing, loving. If you left me and you were all I had (which is exactly what happened) I would be devistated not to know you’d be there for me when I need you most (which is exactly what happened). It’s not your fault. Forget fault. There’s no blame. Things have just happened this way. I won’t put you through what I’ve put myself through by waiting. I won’t make you live without me when you say that you need me and want me and love me. I have that choice where you didn’t. It’s not a “favor”.

I love you. That’s not in question. It’s never been in question, but I can tell you that it’s in my mind to leave you anyway. I can tell you what kind of damage waiting has done. I can tell you that love just isn’t enough to protect us. I can tell you what you should expect from me when you’re with me again. I can tell you. It seems fair to tell you, and I have. I have told you…all of this. I feel like shit for doing it, but I would feel worse if I didn’t. You have to know how I feel and what I’m thinking if you have any place in my life. You have to know, even if it’s not consoling. It’s bad timing. I should be supportive. I AM supportive. There’s never a good time for this shit, but…it’s me.

Yes, I’m lonely. Yes, he is perfectly capable of making me happy. Yes, I care about him. Yes, I want to be happy. Yes, I’m attracted to him. I’ve told you all of this. Whether you’ve been taking it in seriously or not is something I can’t say. I don’t know. I’ve told him.

I know that I’m hurting him.

It’s not about being with him. I will never be with him. He’s stronger than me. He won’t let me.

I’m using that. I’m using his strength…and that’s not okay. It’s not okay. He’s an amazing guy, and simply put: I’d love to be what he needs instead of taking what I need from him…because I don’t believe in this anymore. I can’t believe in something that’s driven me to do what I’ve done to another person.

Maybe love is enough, but love is not worth this.
I can’t hurt people for the sake of my own happiness.

It’s not fear.
I’m not afraid.

It’s agony in knowing that my love hurts anyone caught up enough to love me in return.

He says he can’t return my sentiments.

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