487 winks 496…7…8…

Posted: November 22, 2010 in hidden admonishment
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I watch the cursor blink with my pulse in each pause. It’s not an answer anymore. It’s not an option. I count the blinks to feel better about them.

You used to send me to the grocery store about a mile away from your house. You’d send me just before they closed for the night, and I always hated walking in to shop for you…a fucking grown man fully capable of shopping for yourself. You blamed me for your weight gain towards the end…as if I forced you to eat the entire carton of ice cream in one sitting each time. I thought food was more important then. I thought…if you didn’t waste your money on video games…

Video games that you didn’t even pause in playing while sending me out.

To think that I went. To think of who I was back then. Yes, I went. I went out in the dark, alone, along the streets.

Blink.
Blink.
Blink.

I counted my steps with the same regularity with which I count the blinks of the cursor when I pause…because I want to interact with the man who showed me that I could be so much more than who I was.

I am so much more than that now…but I’m not allowed to contact the man who helped me anymore.
You see…

Blink.
Blink.
Blink.

He’s so much more without me.

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