success mentality

Posted: November 16, 2010 in hidden admonishment
Tags: ,

I’ve run though all of my lifelines.
I really don’t have many.
I called half a dozen people.
No one answered.
I so rarely call anyone.

I wanted someone to tell me
it’s okay to kill myself.
You tried your hardest, I envisioned someone saying.
It’s okay now. It’s not going to get better.
No one will hold it against you, and if anyone did
it wouldn’t matter.
You know you tried.

It’s time.

I had a very rough moment.
I seem to be getting over it
or just deflecting it.

My bird laughs when I cry.
I think she gets the short breaths confused…
or maybe, she’s consciously trying to lighten the mood.

I’d hate to have a bird that mimicked crying.

In the past half hour…my mind has closed up.
Something upset me.
I’m no longer entirely sure what pin pulled to set me off.
I cried rather hard for a little while
and now my mind has closed off.

It’s like the things I was thinking about are nasty little raisins that plunked into a putrid bowl of lemon flavored jello, and now it’s all set up in a tacky mold so that I can put it in the back of the fridge and forget it exists beyond an unpleasant quiver when I poke at surrounding thoughts.

My mind is shutting me out.
It says no, we decided not to think about these things like this anymore.
No, I told you to leave that alone, my mind scolds and takes the jello mold away.
You don’t want this. It’s icky. Here, have a cookie. Play with your bird. There are baby bunnies at work.

I reach for the jello.
I don’t even want the jello.
Who would want lemon jello with raisins suspended in it?
I know I don’t want it.
Leave it alone then.
Leave it alone.

What is it, though?
Why does it exist?
Why do I want it when I know that it’s terrible stuff?
Is it laced with crack?
What do I get from it each time I come back?

My mind is getting better at blocking my advances.
Is this normal?
Is this…

I feel like I’m going to be fine now.
The moment has passed.
The jello is insulating the torment.
I should stop poking at it, but sometimes…

I still wish things were different.

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