I decided.

Posted: November 8, 2010 in transliteration
Tags: , ,

I won’t know for sure until February when the last tie comes undone. Maybe then, I will be able to crawl along the inner lining of my thoughts and find something that makes sense. Then again, maybe not.

I have this wretched, elaborate plan with a resolution that has an opportunity to present itself come February. Why February? I don’t rightly know, but someday I might. It comes about on a Friday afternoon, which I find fitting, because it came about on a Friday afternoon.

I’ve had this plan for quite some time now, and it will probably not resolve itself. For a long time, I feared this enough to try to talk myself out of it and into healthier directions, but…It’s not healthy to deny that I want something, and it’s not healthy to give up on something I want…even if it’s so improbable that it borders on impossible and delves into delusional and psychotic and…I’ve been staring off into space for around a year now, trying to decide how to fit together my life with my mind.

Yesterday, staring at the ceiling and clicking at my bird to tell her I was sorry about the heat that we don’t have, I decided.

I decided.

It might not be a good plan. It might not turn out well. I’m going to follow through with it anyway, because it’s mine, and I set it in place…because I want something.

Maybe, come February, I’ll know what that something is regardless of the actual outcome of events.

I’m scared, so scared, that I would rather turn my back on the world and pretend that I’m okay; fake it; just fake the rest of it, pretend to fit, and waste the rest denying that it’s bullshit.

I’m so scared that it makes me physically ill; brings me close to tears; erodes any lingering shreds of confidence that I cling to. This is why there is a plan set in place; so that the plan pushes me when I can’t push anymore.

I have to trust the girl that put that plan into place without knowing why. She’s gone. Time does that. I trust a shadow of nothing; something; me. I know better than her. I’m older. I’ve been through more. I set plans for future me. There are already dozens in motion; in their infancy. Future me will question present me as I question the past, but in the end, the plans are set like tiger traps. Rigid and with reasons without knowing if I need to be predator or prey.

Who’s going to win today? Ah, wrong question. It’s never been a game.

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