Direct Misstep

Posted: March 9, 2014 in hidden admonishment

It’s like looking back across a void where a schism in my mind fractured my thoughts.
I was completely this person I see the remnants of through scraps of paper and electronic blips.
I was wholeheartedly, genuinely this person, and I left this trail for myself.
I remember being there and the thoughts that left this residue, but even though I can identify quite clearly that it was me…

Somehow, it wasn’t.
Somehow, there’s a disconnect.
Somehow, they are more the memories of something read than something lived first hand.

I cannot crawl back into any particular past mindset.
I only see it from my current perspective as a neutral bystander.

That almost sounds normal
or so far from normal it’s dissociative properties are sociopathic.

I suppose it depends on which who-whom is asked.
As if anybody cares.

Even when people change, they know who they used to be from a first hand perspective.
Even people who distance themselves from some former way of being retain knowledge and skill sets from their past experiences.

Maybe I’ve merely forgotten a great many things.

Clearly I’ve been distracted
Preoccupied

Dealing with subzero temperatures without heat

Heavily medicated

Without words.

General Update

Posted: February 12, 2014 in hidden admonishment

You’ve had someone holding your hand
through your entire life.

I don’t know anymore.

Posted: December 16, 2013 in hidden admonishment

Plans are made to be broken
backs and promises.

Rabbits

Posted: October 28, 2013 in otiose

You keep killing the rabbits
but everyone trusts you.

I don’t like that.

I don’t want to hurt you, but you leave me very few alternatives.
What would I be like if I didn’t express my road rage?

I paid most of the bills late this month.

I like ice cream.

I care about the rabbits, and that’s my downfall.
They don’t talk to me.
We’re not friends.

There simply is no trusting you.

At this rate…

Posted: October 1, 2013 in otiose

I guess I’ll be looking forward to that¬†1% tax fee tacked onto 2014.

Huh

Posted: August 29, 2013 in hidden admonishment

Thank you for the nod that you’re still alive.¬† Oddly enough, I still care quite a bit.

 

You were starting to look like my uncle

and act like him

and I didn’t want to be in a relationship with my uncle.

 

I’m sorry, but it just made shit weird for me.

You’ll find somebody, or you’ll go batshit crazy.

Just, please, don’t stalk me.

 

Please.

 

 

I do still love you.

I never want to see or hear from you again, but…yeah.

I want you to be okay.

I want you to find someone that will make you happy.

 

You chose your family.

I can’t begrudge you that.

I couldn’t live with that decision, because your family fucking hated me…

 

It had so little to do with anything else.

 

 

It’s funny, but I’ve almost completely extracted myself from that toxic environment I found myself mired in for eight years.

It’s been eight fucking years, and I’m still not okay.

I walk off my job swearing and not giving a shit whether I’ll have the job tomorrow.

I fight with inanimate objects and expect to win.

 

But I lose.

 

I’m still a loser.

 

It’s okay

 

 

You and your husband are the biggest fucking losers I’ve ever met.

That you get defensive about being called out on it just reaffirms how fucking miserably insecure you are.

You don’t have anything on me, and even if you did, why would I care?

 

You’re nobody.

 

Just like me.

 

I’m going to go make a cheesecake

and lasagna

and garlic bread

even though I’ve been living off of oatmeal and have no intention of eating any of what I make today

 

because

 

It’s not about me.

Don’t make it about me.

Boris...taking a nap.

Image  —  Posted: August 18, 2013 in otiose